inside the banana

Ryan's bench 

I've asked her to give me ten minutes. She must think it an eternity the number of times she's come out her to inquire on my doneness (played out by her coming to my side and babbling something that seems like a "are you done yet?").

It feels strange to be writing here again, but I think I like it. It's as if I've pickeed up an old journal only to start writing where I left it almost a year ago. (Well, that is what I'm doing, eh?)

I had this fantastic racy dream last night. I was seducing this woman (who believed she was one of many in my life) on my living room floor. Unfortunately, I still had to keep Hannah occupied. I gave her these toys not very far away. Her eyes shielded by the back of the couch. Her ears hearing everything. OK, so perhaps it wasn't a fantastic dream afterall. It's quite strange actually, or realistic if that woman was my husband.

Last night I hung out with the local Stitch n' Bitch. So great these women are! Artistic and smart, what more could you want in a knitting group? Of course, I didn't knit. I've been making more ATCs. I'm beginning to feel a little disenchanted with them. I'm not sure if it's the cards or just the cards I'm making, which is to say, I don't know if I'm in an artistic slump or it's the restrictions that are numbing the process. I seem to get bored with a card about half way through it, but mark it done anyway. They're not done, they're just lame! Is my attention span getting shorter that something that takes more than an half hour is just too much of a commitment?

I seem to be able to stay focused for the postcards I send to my correspondents. The tone of those are so different because I'm making them for someone particular. I try not to gear each one for their approval, but it's certainly part of my discerning eye in that process. I wonder if I tried to make a series of ATCs if that would help tame the wild/lame beast that is keeping me unsatisfied.

I did get another book. I couldn't help myself. And oh, is Tipping the Velvet fabulous! Cross-dressers from the turn of the century! I couldn't be happier with the book. I feel less tortured by it too, which is nice.

All right, she's fiven me more than ten minutes, even with the interruptions. I must go play now. So good to ramble to you though.

Just want to let y'all* know that I'm writing over at the new blogsite: http://www.notsodailynews.com/banana/



*I don't really say y'all that often, okay, perhaps that's the first time I've ever written it.

I can't seem to blog lately. Not sure why. Things are well. WELL... Last Monday, I went to 'Drawing Night.' I showed my artwork to a few people and felt great about it. Since then I haven't really done any more on them.

Ryan and I are hoping to change our eating habits. We're at least spending more time making conscious choices about our food.

Hannah is getting her first tooth! It's been irritating her quite a bit. Her new preferred method of falling asleep is in my arms as I dance with her. Ryan thinks I give into her too easily, but honestly, dancing is quite wonderful. I love to dance and now I both don't have to feel self-conscious about dancing by myself, plus I have a cuddly partner! Ryan laughs when I tell him that my favorite times with Hannah are when she is asleep (or falling asleep), but it's totally true! She's so warm and calm. She looks up at me or the fan with content. When I'm really getting down to boogy, she pulls up the ends of her lips into a sweet tiny smile. I don't remember the last time I was so relaxed in someone's arms that I actually fell asleep. It's the most amazing feeling to know that she really is that happy in my embrace to ease herself into dreamland.

I can't wait to read your epiphanies, Jennifer. I have felt flooded with my own 'new perspectives' that emerged over the trip. It feels rejuvenating. I feel like I have so much to say, and am so eager to hear from others. Being around my best of friends impacts me so deeply.

I can't win a particular game of Freecell and it is driving me crazy. I keep trying to play it over and over, hoping that my new moves will unlock the cards. My father succeeded in instilling a certain draw to cards. He plays bridge. I have purposefully avoided playing bridge for the following reasons: 1) I might become incredibly addicted to it, letting my true competitive side (which I'm ashamed of) come out 2) I might really suck at the game, proving to me and perhaps my father how un-smart I am (that's really just irrational fear) 3) Finding something else to distract me from mothering isn't necessary right now.

funny that I used the word 'too.' I've just noticed that I have so much to say. Since S&J's wedding, I've felt like I was coming down from ecstasy, realizing new things about me, my friends, and the world. I'm so fortunate to have a venue to share it all.

Over Solomon's wedding, I felt like I gathered new perspectives. I realized, by watching others do it, how much I fret over other people's happiness. I am capable of cataloging all of someone's likes and dislikes, desires, hopes, etc. When I interact with them, I try to cater my interactions, our activities, and so on with what I think they want to be doing. It's interesting to be writing this because I think that I have often thought that this was Ryan's role in our relationship. He would guess at what he thought I wanted. The difference (at least my immediate thought about it) seems to be that he would be guessing, and I cater myself to what I know about the other person. PLUS, it isn't that if left to my own devices I wouldn't have my own set of desires. I definiely know what I want to do, so if someone says, 'Gabrielle, I want to do what you want' then that's great!

Now that I only live with Ryan and Hannah my energies are usually wrapped up in how happy I can make their lives. I constantly run around, trying to make sure that they get what they need and want. I don't want them to be bored or sad, or resentful that they aren't doing what they want, so if I can give it to them, I want to. How freaking tiring it all is. Of course, no one is asking me to do this, especially not Ryan. The best thing I could do for everyone involved is to just make myself happy.

If you needed something from me, you would ask for it, wouldn't you?

Let's make a deal, much like I made with Sarah. If any of you NEED something from me that I could give you, just ask for it. Please. Then I don't have to worry about whether or not I am giving you all the things that you want. Also, you can feel free to ask for it, instead of waiting until I offer it. Hmmm.... maybe I'm the one getting off easy here. At Ganas, 'they' encouraged you to ask for what you wanted, putting the impetus on the giver to say no (or yes).

I like to lessen the blows of what I say, so I find that I water down what I say. I usually write (and say) so and so, but... There doesn't have to be so many buts or yets or howevers. I could say the second phrase without the first. How direct, how impolite.... When really, as Ryan notes, it doesn't matter if I meant to or not (or the whys), what matters is what I did (or felt). Why do I need to put everything in some sort of context, connected to the rest of the world?

For a decade, you have been integral to my life. I hope that we will always be able to celebrate your birth together!

Soon I will be giving up my blogspot blog and moving on over to Nicole's website. The url will be: http://www.notsodailynews.com/banana

A group of us that camped together at Solomon's wedding this weekend are going to be starting a 'support group' of sorts. Check in at notsodailynews.com periodically until we get it up and going.

I think it will deal with the kinds of things that a lot of us struggle with: eating 'right', excercising, being spiritual/meditating, creating art, listening, self-image, etc. If most of us want these things together we can support each other through the tough times while we celebrate our successes.

Sarah is a Pisces, which always reminds me of my mother (also a Sarah). Sarah, like few other people, has a way of calming me – allowing me to relax and settle in. I feel closer to the ‘me’ that I would like to be when I’m with Sarah. I can talk candidly without fear. I can hear my truest desires when I am with her, and I am not embarrassed about them.

Over the weekend, I had Sarah promise me that if she wants me to be quiet and stop talking so much, she’ll just tell me. I’ve never had anyone promise that to me. I felt so free once she said she would. Hopefully it will lift the constant fear I have when I talk that the person listening would rather I shut up.

I wore Sarah and Buelah (her grandmother)’s clothes while camping this weekend. I had forgotten warm clothes for myself. I felt comforted and loose. I realized what it felt like to wear loose fitting clothing. It felt good. I felt like family in those clothes.

Sarah is full of energy and ideas. Being around her gets me optimistic about the future. I want to be around her and throw good thoughts into the world with her. What a wonderful friend Sarah is. I feel truly blessed to know Sarah. Someday I hope to live very close to her.